unsure of myself

So I've been wrestling for a long time about whether or not I'm any good as a photographer. Well, that's not the whole truth. The truth is that I know I'm good, when good is defined as 'OK.' But good doesn't cut it. Am I really good? - the question is still a little fuzzy. Do I have the potential to be really good...? One day, will I be really good...? Will I be pretty good if I don't ever practice...? Is it even worth being good of any kind...?


These are the questions I ask myself. I did decide something though. I decided my niche - the ever expanding world around us. It goes a little something like this. Photography is a form of art in which the photographer captures a moment in time at a particular location of a particular subject trying in essence to stir some sort of emotion from the person looking at the photograph. I love photography. It is hard. Most photography books are all about the subject, filling the frame with the subject, make the subject stand out from everything else. It's not always easy to do.

But, what if the reality is that our world is huge. Our focal point in life is never - ever - on one thing. So why do we emphasize it so much in photography. Well, there are many answers why, which I won't get into here about being pleasing to the eye and working well and etc, etc. etc.......

What we're able to see is huge though, it is much, much more than a particular subject, a flower, a mountain, a building, a person. We see in a vast expanse. As a result I've decided that my niche is wide angle photography - trying to capture what we actually see. The photo I took at my good friends wedding is a good example. The subject is the bride and groom, but what do we really see when we look. We see a church, a scene unfolding, not just two faces. Big skies. Open spaces. The whole face. The entire field of flowers. It's not easy to make something appealing that is so big.

I will try.

defend or attack...

I'm reading the book Killer Angels, by Michael Shaara right now. It is a Pulitzer Prize winning novel about the Battle of Gettysburg during the American Civil War. Well researched, well writtin and just plain, well done, this book is a must for any history buff interested in the forming of the United States of America.

The first several chapters of the book are dedicated to introducing the reader to the main characters present at Gettysburg. There is Robert E. Lee, James Longstreet, and J.E.B. Stuart of the South and John Reynolds, John Buford and George Meade of the North, among a host of other notable generals and officers. Some of these officers were graduates of West Point, most famously Robert E. Lee and John Reynolds (who both garduated at the top of their respective classes), but others are ordinary men who have risen through the ranks, many of whom were battle tested in the US-Mexican War. Their stories are intriguing and interesting, so much so that I look forward to reading more detailed accounts of these officers in the book (also turned moveie) Gods and Generals, by Jeff Shaara.

Gettysburg was, I think, the bloodiest three days of fighting the US has ever seen, where more than 50,000 US soldiers died in those three days alone. To put that in perspective, 58,000 US soldiers died during the whole Vietnam War, which spanned more than eight years. Generals and enlisted men alike were put to tests of will and courage I will never know.

I did a bike tour once of the Gettysburg battlefield. It's a beautiful scene and horrible at the same time. Having grown up in Pennsylvania I knew of the wonderful rolling hills and glorious farmlands scattered all through the state. Gettysburg is much the same. Riding a bike through places like the Devil's Den, Little Ruund Top and Cemetary Ridge, I had no idea at the time the significance of this battle. Reading Killer Angels has opened my eyes.

I'm sure I will enter a few more blogs about this since it's captured my attention so vividly over the past week or so, but I will leave with two interesting points. First, Robert E. Lee attacked the "north" mainly because Virginia has been so devastated by the war - the ground literally needed time to recover. Confederate troops were underfed and undersupplied, mainy because the physical assets of the territory were demolished. There was no livlihood left. So, the battle went north, even if only 50 miles from the Mason-Dixon line.

Second and more profound is Shaara's account of the internal torment Lee experienced during the war against Federal Troops, but magnified in Gettysburg. As a graduate of the US Military Academy, a seasoned veteran of war, Lee had given his oath to protect the very country he was trying to overthrow. He was not the only one. But Lee was different. He was a Godly man, sharp, honest, humble. It literally caused him pain deep within his heart at what was unfolding before his eyes. Shaara has a great passage telling of the torment...

"...he put his hand to his chest...Lee felt a deeper spasm, like a black stain. I swore to defend. Now I invade. A soldier, no theologian. God, let it be over soon. While there's time to play with grandchildren... he moved to the map table. The guilt stayed with him, ineradicable, like the silent alarm in his fragile chest. Swore to defend. Misty matters. Get on with the fight."

The battle would last three days... more to come.

11.13 seconds

I had to post this article about the World Record for solving a Rubik's Cube puzzle. Leyan Lo solved a mixed puzzle in 11.13 seconds. I can't even fathom this. These guys memorize algorithms in order to quickly complete the first two rows and then Wham! its done. I don't even think I can begin thinking about to solve one in 11 seconds much less actually move a piece.

The Heart Revealed

I'm reading Waking the Dead by John Eldridge right now and am very impressed. I have enjoyed other books by Eldridge as well so it shouldn't surprise me, but I'm especially drawn thus far to a chapter about the heart. To quote him:

...the heart is the source of our emotions. But we have equated the heart with emotion, and put it away for a messy and even dangerous guide. No doubt, many people have made a wreck of their lives following an emotion without stopping to consider whether it was a good idea to do so. Neither adultery nor murder is a rational act. But equating the heart with emotion is the same nonsense as saying that love is a feeling. Surely, we know that love is more than feeling loving; for if Christ had followed his emotions, he would not have gone to the cross for us. Like any man would have been, he was afraid; in face, he knew the sins of the world would be laid upon him, and so had even greater cause for hesitation (Mark 14: 32-35). But in the hour of his greatest trial, his love overcame his fear of what loving would cost him.

This idea was a little strange to me at first. If I understand it correctly, Eldridge is saying that the heart is the source of emotions, but that emotions are an offspring of the hearts thoughts. The heart can think...? The author points the reader to several places in the Word which describe such a reality including: I Kings 3:9, Heb 4:12 and Proverbs 23:7. It's still a mystery.

Then, yesterday I was reading the Saturday edition of the Rocky Mountain News, the local Denver paper (which incidentally has more advertisements than news, but that's a different story altogether.) The story was a sort of continuation to larger section they had done a few weeks ago called A Final Salute. It tells the story of US Marine Major Steve Beck whose duty it is to notify the families of fallen soldiers. It is a gripping and incredible special report. I highly encourage you to read it.

Anyway, the follow-up article is about Katherine Cathey whose husband, Marine 2nd. Lt. Jim Cathey, was killed in Iraq when a booby trapped door exploded in his face, basically vaporizing him. Katherine was pregnant when Jim was shipped to Iraq. On the day of her delivery, she was expecting a phone call from Jim asking about the baby, instead, Marine Beck arrived at her door with a folded US flag and a few words explaining his death.

Now, the baby is healthy and without a dad. I could barely make it through the article. I walked over a few feet from the table where I was reading, tears streaming down my face, and picked up my son. I held Asher tight against my chest and somehow he knew to hug me back. I can't explain it - he just knew - our hearts bonded in that moment. After a minute or so, I walked back to the table and attempted to finish the article. Here's what I read next:



For the Marines, transporting the ashes-filled urn was no different from their original mission to bring Jim Cathey's body back to his family from Iraq. An extension of the "never leave a Marine behind" mandate, a Marine was required to escort the urn each step of the way.

At Katherine's request, the Marines called upon 2nd Lt. Marcus Moyer, who trained with Jim Cathey in Quantico, Va.

"I never really looked at it as escorting a box or escorting ashes. I treated it as though he was with me," Moyer said. "I never left it alone."

As crew members on the airplane to Denver discovered the Marine's mission, they asked to shake his hand. One flight attendant wrote him a heartfelt thank- you note on a United Airlines napkin.

"As we were coming into Denver, the pilot came on the loudspeaker and announced that we had a special passenger onboard," Moyer said.

The pilot then read the information about Jim Cathey and requested that passengers remain seated until Moyer left.

"As I was walking forward, people said things. 'Oo-rah,' if they knew I was with the Marines. Or 'Thank you.' Or, 'You're our hero.' Or they would clap . . . Regardless of their feelings about the war, they all seemed very supportive. People would come up and thank me for my service. They would call me a hero."

Moyer paused for a long time, then sniffled.

"Whenever I could do it without crying, I would tell them that . . . that I wasn't the hero, but that I knew a lot of them."

That night, after Moyer met up with Beck, the Marines once again pulled up to Katherine Cathey's home, clad in their formal dress blue uniforms.

"It's another notification," Beck said. "Jim doesn't die all over again, but it's the introduction of more pain. And another whole difficult process we need to go through. And everything starts over.

"In a way, it was like walking up to that porch for the first time."

At this point, I could barely contain myself - I also understood without a doubt, exactly what Eldridge is trying to say. Our heart is "the wellsping of life." The sadness and pain I felt for Katherine and her baby were way beyond emotion and feeling. I was experiencing something much greater within the very depths of my heart itself. I wasn't feeling hurt, I was hurt.

The heart is real.

The Marine motto, semper fidelis, is Latin for ALWAYS FAITHFUL. I can't help but to think of Jesus's fatihfulness to his heart. Thank goodness.

New Pictures

Have you checked out my photoblog lately...? There are some new pics up like this one I took today of a flock of Canadian Geese near Brighton, CO. It was an amazing take off as more than 1000 geese roared into the air as I approached their position in a field. Wow.

Don't Read Much

I've never been a big reader, as I think the ADD part of me loses interest quickly in books. Nevertheless, over the past few years I've been challenged by some close friends to read more. I did this past year. It wasn't much but I hope it's a trend that continues on for the upcoming year. Here is a sample of books I read in 2005:

Mother Teresa - Her Life, Her Works, Her Message
The Magicians' Nephew - C.S. Lewis
The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis
The Screwtape Letters - C.S. Lewis
The Barbarian Way - Erwin McManus
You Have What it Takes - John Eldridge
Fatherhood -
Babywise - (I had to put it... it's life)
Band of Brothers - Stephen E. Ambrose
The Pursuit of God - A.W. Tozer
The War of Art -
Blue Like Jazz - Donald Miller

As for 2006, I already have some books on a list I would like to read, and a sample of those are:

Waking the Dead - John Eldridge
The Divine Conspiracy - Dallas Willard
The Horse and His Boy - C.S. Lewis
Prince Caspian - C.S. Lewis
Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis
The Pursuit of God - AW Tozer (yes, I want to read it every year)
Lion and Lamb - Brennan Manning
Searching for God Knows What - Donald Miller
Killer Angels - Michael Shaara
D-Day - Stephen E. Ambrose
Travelling Light - Max Lucado
Going Local - Michael Shuman
What Matters Most - Jeffrey Hollendar
Good to Great - Jim Collins

Anyway - my goal for the year was inspired by Todd, and like him, I hope to finish a new book every two weeks (the Divine Conspiracy aside, since it's like reading a dictionary.) I'm suppose I'm just learning how much I learn when I read. Profound.

An Aslan sighting

On a recent trip to Florida, I had the opportunity to visit a friend of my dad's where you honestly wouldn't believe the decorations in his house without these pictures to prove it. He literally built himself a "zoo" of taxidermied animals, all of which either he, his wife or kids has shot. It truly is unbelievable... and wierd. Though I was wide eyed and in basic awe, it wasn't for me. Really, there are probably over 100 animals on his walls, on his floor, everywhere. Just check out this picture of the entry way.



I'm talking about lions, american buffalo, elk, deer, little deer, even smaller deer, a 17 ft alligator, a 6000 lb. hippo, a 3500 lb. cape buffalo, leopards, more deer, antelope, elephant tusks, and more. Just look around the picture and see what you can find.

I took this next picture of "Aslan's face" in his family room. Yes, his family room. (You can see a wider angle view below.)



I think I dare not mention my views on this whole thing out of respect for the fact that this man even let me into his house, and the last thing he probably want's is me pointing my finger at him and telling him I think he is wrong.. I won't go there.



I was amazed though at the beauty of these animals, especially the leopards. And, without such an opportunity I would probably never get so close to such beautiful creatures. The majesty of these wild cats could not be tamed in the confines of taxidermy.




Really. These animals are truly amazing and though I wish they would be left alone, in their own habitat to live and run and play, I am thankful this man let me in to his house. I will use the experience for years to come.

The Reunion

It was pretty crazy to see so many people from the original "Amsterdam Team" back together again in Fort Collins. The last time I saw all these people together was at my house in the spring of 2002 - weird. It was fantastic though to catch up, to realize how much has passed, to remember good things and to hear about present happenings. The only thing that could have been better was if I was still in Amsterdam itself.

clean and unclean

"What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' " MARK 7: 20-23

Reflecting upon this passage, it seems fake, it seems impossible, as if humans couldn't possibly be this evil, alarmingly shallow, or frighteningly terrible. But when I evaluate it in truth, my own heart is revealed. I am this evil. I am this brutal. I am this terrible. I am the essence of this passage.

In any given day and at least week, I am all of these things. I am a cheater, a liar, a greedy fool, a lover of money, an adulterer, an arrogant snob, a thief, a deceitful scoundrel, a gross slanderer - a man full of pride and envy. I am all of these things and more. I am at any given time, the epitome of the fall.

We are warned of the yeast of the Pharisees. Yeast spreads through dough, the whole dough. In today's language we might have been warned of cancer or weeds. Cancer spreads through the body with disregard for health. Weeds spread and choke out anything in their path. They kill. The same is true for those who oppose the Truth. I often wonder how evil can spread so quickly, so ruthlessly, while good can take so long to take hold...? It seems backwards and silly. It starts with the man in the mirror. It appears the symptom of a fallen world where sin runs wild and evil flaunts around untamed and uncontrolled, while good is confined to a jail with walls made of greed, envy, jealousy, lust, sex, murder, arrogance and immorality.

Ultimately, I have come to realize that evil can be overcome but with one thing, Love. I don't mean the kind of love that we whisper in secret corners of past crushes, or about the kind of love we bestow upon our pets, or the love we profess for decadence like ice cream or cookies, or the love we proclaim for amusement park rides, or the love we attach to cherished possessions.

Rather, I mean the love someone would show by redeeming us for all of our debt with one single, incredible act. I'm talking about the kind of love someone would die for in order to free many from the grasp of demons. I'm talking about the kind of love someone would show by carrying the sins of the world upon their back only to be betrayed and put to death, as to pay the ransom for people like me.

This love manifests itself only when we sacrifice of ourselves for something, or should I say, SOMEONE, bigger than ourselves. So long as we look to the 'self' first, evil will have it's way. There is nothing greater in life than laying down our own for the sake of another - it is the very essence of love. I hope I will learn to lay down my life every day.

White Socks

I'm not sure why people choose to wear white socks with dress clothes or with sandals or with suits. It's such an eyesore, a terrible fashion. Why...? I'm wondering if God is trying to teach me something through my disdain for the white socks. Maybe, it's the very same way God looks at me and the sin in my life - he's wondering why I'm that guy with a suit on matched with white socks and loafers. He's probably wondering, "How in the world could I give Bret this beautiful new garment, washed in the blood of the Lamb, woven with precious linens of grace, hope and love; and he goes and puts on white socks - that's messed up!" It's gotta be a lesson. Why am I wearing white socks ...?

It appears that even Paul wore white socks at times, acknowledging that rebirth does not preclude us from the evil desires of flesh.

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

ROMANS 7:14-25

It sucks to live like this. I do what I don't want to do all time. I hate looking in my drawers every morning and seeing white socks overflowing. Even when you know that white socks look terrible with sandals, you put them on anyway.

Thank goodness for grace. Thank goodness our weakness is made strong in the One who provides grace. Otherwise, I would look like a dork most every day - oh yeah, I still do.

WAKEUP!!!!

Another interesting link to follow about movements to change Wal-Mart... when I see the "wake up" part, I can't help but to think of a song by one of my favorite bands of years gone by, Rage Against the Machine. The song obviously isn't about Wal-Mart, but it about lies, oppression and holding the poor man down.

WAKE UP
Come on!
Uggh!

Come on, although ya try to discredit
Ya still never read it
The needle, I'll thread it
Radically poetic
Standin' with the fury that they had in '66
And like E-Double I'm mad
Still knee-deep in the system's shit
Hoover, he was a body remover
I'll give ya a dose
But it can never come close
To the rage built up inside of me
Fist in the air, in the land of hypocrisy

Movements come and movements go
Leaders speak, movements cease
When their heads are flown
'Cause all these punks
Got bullets in their heads
Departments of police, the judges, the feds
Networks at work, keepin' people calm
You know they went after King
When he spoke out on Vietnam
He turned the power to the have-nots
And then came the shot

Yeah!
Yeah, back in this...
Wit' poetry, my mind I flex
Flip like Wilson, vocals never lackin' dat finesse
Whadda I got to, whadda I got to do to wake ya up
To shake ya up, to break the structure up
'Cause blood still flows in the gutter
I'm like takin' photos
Mad boy kicks open the shutter
Set the groove
Then stick and move like I was Cassius
Rep the stutter step
Then bomb a left upon the fascists
Yea, the several federal men
Who pulled schemes on the dream
And put it to an end
Ya better beware
Of retribution with mind war
20/20 visions and murals with metaphors
Networks at work, keepin' people calm
Ya know they murdered X
And tried to blame it on Islam
He turned the power to the have-nots
And then came the shot

Uggh!
What was the price on his head?
What was the price on his head!


I think I heard a shot
I think I heard a shot
I think I heard a shot
I think I heard a shot
I think I heard a shot
I think I heard, I think I heard a shot

'He may be a real contender for this position should he
abandon his supposed obediance to white liberal doctrine
of non-violence...and embrace black nationalism'
'Through counter-intelligence it should be possible to
pinpoint potential trouble-makers... and neutralize them.
Through counter-intelligence it should be possible to
pinpoint potential trouble-makers... and neutralize them
and neutralize them, and neutralize them, and neutralize them'

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

How long? Not long, cause what you reap is what you sow

a beautiful song...

Lately I've been humming Amazing Grace a lot. It's a soothing song, very soothing. Somehow, the song has resonated deeply and intensely with me over the course of the past few weeks as I learn of God's amazing grace for me.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, Who called me here below,
Shall be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

fifty

I can't help but to miss fifty people at a place called fifty in a country that is about 4050 miles away. Fifty means community. Fifty means friendship. Fifty means faith and love and Jesus and gratitude and goodness and strength and serving and hope. There are fifty words in the post.

long road, small steps

It was 7:00am and I was sitting on the beach in Cancun with my beautiful wife discussing Amsterdam and community and God. They were the same for us just three months ago. We miss our life in Amsterdam. We were drinking coffee. I noticed it from about 15 feet away, a small creature struggling slowly up the sand. Maybe I was imagining something. A few minutes passed and again the creature caught my eye - a hermit crab, creeping up the sand, away from the ocean on a journey to... well, I'm not quite sure. I was tempted to turn him around and send him back to the ocean from where he came. Surely he would be happy there. But, then again, who was I to say where he was going?

Either way, his journey was a long one. He had to crawl through dangerous land to go where he was going. There were predators along the way, mountains of sand, and even hideous cigarette butts to contend with. Where was he going...? I wanted to turn him around.

Sometimes I feel like people want to turn me around. They think they know where I'm going. Does it ever feel that way to you...? I have been on the journey with God for about five years now and there have been many challenges and obstacles along the way, my own sand mountains, my own cigarette butts, my own predators. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I know where I'm going and that the only thing safe seems to go back home, to where I came from, to where things are nice and clean and normal.

Jesus wants something different (matthew 7:13-14). And though, the world may want to pick us up and turn us around, Jesus wants us to keep going (luke 9:62). He wants us to leave our world where it lays and follow him (Mark 1:16-20). I can't help but to realize how much I fight the message of the Gospel, how much I desire to turn around at times, how much I struggle just to obey. There is Jesus though, around every corner, on top of every hill, along every valley - he is there - waiting, wanting, hoping, loving.

I pray that my brothers and sisters in Amsterdam fight to keep going.

Robertson Strikes Again!

Please contact www.cbn.com and call for Pat Robertson's resignation. After this, he has crossed the line yet again. Has he not experienced grace and forgiveness and the love of God for himself...? Let me know what you think after reading this article.

Robertson Warns of God's Wrath

Therapeutic suicidal newsgroup...?

I found this artical about Internet assisted suicide on CNN and couldn't help but to think of the sadness God must feel about suicide. This particular case is itself alarming because so many young people feel the need to engage in suicide talk, suicide planning and suicide exits.

I confess. I've thought of committing suicide before. I've thought about ending my life. It lasted for a few months, though I don't think I was ever totally serious. I couldn't stop thinking about the people in my life who would miss me, who wouldn't understand. Ultimately, it came down to a struggle I couldn't bear to bring upon others. It felt selfish. I didn't know God at the time. He was nothing more than a church building with pews and an alter, but certainly not personal and definitely not loving.

For many, there is an inner battle I'm sure I will never comprehend, a pressure I will never feel and perhaps a lifelong misunderstanding I will never know. There is a spiritual darkness driving the belief that death is greater than life. At some point the depths of the soul give in to a powerful and bold demon who loves nothing more than to separate something, anything from God.

How does God feel...?

Some, perhaps even Suzanne Gonzales, might have wondered aloud how God can "feel" anything at all. Sometimes I wonder too. He is up there and we are down here. He is something of a figment of the imagination, a made up deity to make us feel better about ourselves and our problems. He is... well, who is He...? Sometimes I wonder the same. I'm quite sure all the people on the A.S.H. newsgroup feel something similar. I would guess they have explored the realms of darkness, of Satanic rule. I have. But, there is an answer. You can find it in anything but what is real.

Something crazy hit me the other day. It was inspired by Tozer's Pursuit of God (you can find the whole thing online here) God is not imaginary. Jesus is not fake. There is a reality in this life and it starts and ends with Jesus. As for reality, I will let Tozer explain:

What do I mean by reality? I mean that which has existence apart from any idea any mind may have of it, and which would exist if there were no mind anywhere to entertain a thought of it. That which is real has being in itself. It does not depend upon the observer for its validity.

I am aware that there are those who love to poke fun at the plain man's idea of reality. They are the idealists who spin endless proofs that nothing is real outside of the mind. They are the relativists who like to show that there are no fixed points in the universe from which we can measure anything. They smile down upon us from their lofty intellectual peaks and settle us to their own satisfaction by fastening upon us the reproachful term `absolutist.' The Christian is not put out of countenance by this show of contempt. He can smile right back at them, for he knows that there is only One who is Absolute, that is God. But he knows also that the Absolute One has made this world for man's uses, and, while there is nothing fixed or real in the last meaning of the words (the meaning as applied to God) for every purpose of human life we are permitted to act as if there were. And every man does act thus except the mentally sick. These unfortunates also have trouble with reality, but they are consistent; they insist upon living in accordance with their ideas of things. They are honest, and it is their very honesty that constitutes them a social problem.

The idealists and relativists are not mentally sick. They prove their soundness by living their lives according to the very notions of reality which they in theory repudiate and by counting upon the very fixed points which they prove are not there. They could earn a lot more respect for their notions if they were willing to live by them; but this they are careful not to do. Their ideas are brain-deep, not life- deep. Wherever life touches them they repudiate their theories and live like other men.

Until we engage in this reality, the reality of life itself, we will forever suffer in the hands of imagination. And imagination is inherantly human. Humans will fail us over and over. Humans are our dada, moms, family, friends, bosses and kids. Humans can never, ever provide a way out of suicide. The REAL can.

a simple treat

Red, Green, Blue, Yellow... all the colors are represented. I wonder if Jelly Belly is a metaphor for the diversity of life. People are different, all with a slightly distinct flavor. Sometimes when I'm just riding around or smelling around or feeling around, I look and I see everyone looks the same. But they're not. My eyes are the same. People are different because God made them different. God made us different because he is a creative, interesting person who doesn't like the assembly line and he doesn't like mass production. He likes handcrafted, handpainted, handmade people. He doesn't mind blemishes and he certainly doesn't mind difference.

I remember being struck by the diversity of life in Amsterdam where not only did the people where strange colors with pointy shoes, but where the people's birthday suits were different. So many cultures, so little space. I remember seeing dark skin and light skin living together in a small place. I remember seeing difference.

Here in Colorado homes are built practically on top of one another (you can reach out your bathroom window and touch your neighbor) and homeowners are forced to put up fences between the houses, as if to offer privacy. I'm not sure if it's to keep other people out or to keep us all in. Fences are kind of interesting in that way. I didn't see many fences in Amsterdam and I don't see many fences in Denver and I don't see many fences in the mountains.



Isn't that weird - one doesn't find fences in densely populated places and one doesn't find fences in the most rugged of places. You can't contain a city and you can't contain nature. There is no fence for this. You can't contain God.

What does a jelly belly have to do with a fence...? This. Difference, tolerance, coexistence. I just wonder why they made that "buttered popcorn" flavor - it's terrible.

Excerpt from a letter...

Here is an excerpt from the final letter we sent to all of those people who supported us over the past few years in Amsterdam...

--------------------------

...
It was very difficult for us to leave Amsterdam, a city and culture we grew to love so much. Even more difficult were the emotions associated with saying ‘goodbye’ to our friends. The people we befriended from Zolder50, ultimate Frisbee, and the Cleft (the YWAM ministry Jayla served with in the Red Light District) provided us with a most amazing and loving community, a community deserving of those outlined in the second chapter of the book of Acts. The purpose, involvement and passion we shared with Zolder50 is something we will not easily find again. We sincerely hope that distance will not keep our hearts separated from those whom we deeply admire as friends.

We returned to the States on September 1 with over 600 pounds of luggage, including Leo, our beautiful Chesapeake Bay retriever. You should have seen us trying to navigate the airport! Before leaving we were honored with several special events at which our friends blessed us, prayed over us, celebrated with us and expressed many encouraging thoughts and words. It was a unique time. We have needed it in the weeks that have followed when we have doubted ourselves, doubted our purpose and doubted our path. We spent our first month visiting friends and family, showing Asher off to all those who had yet to meet him and getting used to living in “other people’s space”, which we are still doing after two months. Since being back we have visited Chicago, Washington D.C., St. Augustine, Charlotte, Columbus, Indianapolis, Des Moines, Fort Collins and now Denver. Asher has proved that he is a worthy and stout traveling companion. We have lived here in Colorado since Oct. 4, staying with Jayla’s mom, step dad and brother. Thankfully, Leo has made great friends with his cousin, Doc, a splendid little blue heeler mix.

Bret is looking for jobs and praying for direction. He recently went on a 3-day solo camping retreat to the southern Colorado Mountains further seeking our course and inspiration. After discovering the answers to all the world’s problems, he returned with a renewed spirit and a renewed sense of mission – Jesus. He was clearly reminded of our vision for our marriage – follow Jesus and raise a healthy and strong family. In faith, we will continue living here just north of Denver until we find our path. Then we will commit to looking for our own home and own space.

As for culture shock, it has been difficult to identify thus far. Of course, there are a million little differences between the Netherlands and the States and we find ourselves constantly comparing them – pros and cons, things we miss (riding bikes everywhere and did we mention the cheese?!), things we dislike here (chain restaurants, superstores, big cars), things to adjust to and figure out. Mostly, we miss our life there – our friends, our church, our apartment, the way we would spend our days riding along beautiful canals on creaky bicycles with our friends musing over the days happenings. Life seemed slower there.

We are excited about the mountains, the fantastic sunsets and the weather, as the warm Colorado sunshine is a welcome treat after a mostly cool Dutch summer. Living here during the autumn season is also brilliant. The harvest traditions of everything pumpkin, apple cider, Halloween… these are things we missed while living in Holland. Also the beauty of the leaves turning – it is a glorious metaphor for change and renewal. It seems something has to die in order for new life to begin again. We have been completely blessed by the hospitality of our families, making adjustments to accommodate Asher, Leo and us. Last week Bret picked up our shipment, all 52 boxes, and moved it to Jayla’s sisters garage. Thanks to Tara and Kerry.

We are excited about the possibilities of what lies ahead, trying to remain patient and hoping it doesn’t take too long. If we haven’t seen you yet, we hope to soon! Please know how much we appreciate you and love you. You gave generously on our behalf so we could be part of an awesome church in a little attic in the heart of Amsterdam!

Missing the Experience, Experience the Missing

As it turns out, I miss Amsterdam tremendously. I didn't at first. I liked being back in the States. I liked the open spaces and the green grass and the sunny sky. Now though, I find myself missing Amsterdam more and more.

I was looking at my friend Eric's blog with a picture of the Damrak and reading stories about telling stories and missing the stories of Amsterdam. I miss the Damrak and business of the city. I miss the unique architecture and the diversity of the people. I miss strolling the streets window shopping and cruising along the canals on my cheap bike musing over the days happenings. I miss my friends.

It's strange to be somewhere you love so much and miss somewhere else so much. The mountains and weather and laid back atmosphere and did I mention the sun...? These things are amazing in Colorado. Amsterdam is different. I don't know if it's the vibe or if it's the rain or the cafes or the spirtual climate. It's different and I like different. If only Amsterdam was surrounded by mountains...

More on Wal-Mart...

Preaching justice for Wal-Mart workers
(from www.sojo.net)

Last week we announced the premiere of Robert Greenwald's new film, Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Prices, which will be released during "Higher Expectations Week," Nov. 13 to 19. As part of the effort, Sojourners will be working with a broad range of organizations to educate our communities about the negative effects Wal-Mart has had on rural and urban America.

Recent news that Wal-Mart is introducing new employee health plans shows that grassroots pressure is encouraging changes. However, a recently surfaced memo by Wal-Mart executives discouraging the hiring of "unhealthy" employees raises serious questions about its commitment to its workers. It included this candid admission: "Wal-Mart's critics can easily exploit some aspects of our benefits offering to make their case; in other words, our critics are correct in some of their observations. Specifically, our coverage is expensive for low-income families, and Wal-Mart has a significant percentage of associates and their children on public assistance."

In addition to hosting or attending a screening of the movie, we are encouraging churches around the country to offer a sermon or message on corporate greed, civil responsibility, or civic justice on Nov. 13. The Wal-Mart Watch campaign has developed sample sermons, bulletin inserts, and other materials at www.walmartwatch.com that are available as a valuable resource.