long road, small steps

It was 7:00am and I was sitting on the beach in Cancun with my beautiful wife discussing Amsterdam and community and God. They were the same for us just three months ago. We miss our life in Amsterdam. We were drinking coffee. I noticed it from about 15 feet away, a small creature struggling slowly up the sand. Maybe I was imagining something. A few minutes passed and again the creature caught my eye - a hermit crab, creeping up the sand, away from the ocean on a journey to... well, I'm not quite sure. I was tempted to turn him around and send him back to the ocean from where he came. Surely he would be happy there. But, then again, who was I to say where he was going?

Either way, his journey was a long one. He had to crawl through dangerous land to go where he was going. There were predators along the way, mountains of sand, and even hideous cigarette butts to contend with. Where was he going...? I wanted to turn him around.

Sometimes I feel like people want to turn me around. They think they know where I'm going. Does it ever feel that way to you...? I have been on the journey with God for about five years now and there have been many challenges and obstacles along the way, my own sand mountains, my own cigarette butts, my own predators. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I know where I'm going and that the only thing safe seems to go back home, to where I came from, to where things are nice and clean and normal.

Jesus wants something different (matthew 7:13-14). And though, the world may want to pick us up and turn us around, Jesus wants us to keep going (luke 9:62). He wants us to leave our world where it lays and follow him (Mark 1:16-20). I can't help but to realize how much I fight the message of the Gospel, how much I desire to turn around at times, how much I struggle just to obey. There is Jesus though, around every corner, on top of every hill, along every valley - he is there - waiting, wanting, hoping, loving.

I pray that my brothers and sisters in Amsterdam fight to keep going.

Robertson Strikes Again!

Please contact www.cbn.com and call for Pat Robertson's resignation. After this, he has crossed the line yet again. Has he not experienced grace and forgiveness and the love of God for himself...? Let me know what you think after reading this article.

Robertson Warns of God's Wrath

Therapeutic suicidal newsgroup...?

I found this artical about Internet assisted suicide on CNN and couldn't help but to think of the sadness God must feel about suicide. This particular case is itself alarming because so many young people feel the need to engage in suicide talk, suicide planning and suicide exits.

I confess. I've thought of committing suicide before. I've thought about ending my life. It lasted for a few months, though I don't think I was ever totally serious. I couldn't stop thinking about the people in my life who would miss me, who wouldn't understand. Ultimately, it came down to a struggle I couldn't bear to bring upon others. It felt selfish. I didn't know God at the time. He was nothing more than a church building with pews and an alter, but certainly not personal and definitely not loving.

For many, there is an inner battle I'm sure I will never comprehend, a pressure I will never feel and perhaps a lifelong misunderstanding I will never know. There is a spiritual darkness driving the belief that death is greater than life. At some point the depths of the soul give in to a powerful and bold demon who loves nothing more than to separate something, anything from God.

How does God feel...?

Some, perhaps even Suzanne Gonzales, might have wondered aloud how God can "feel" anything at all. Sometimes I wonder too. He is up there and we are down here. He is something of a figment of the imagination, a made up deity to make us feel better about ourselves and our problems. He is... well, who is He...? Sometimes I wonder the same. I'm quite sure all the people on the A.S.H. newsgroup feel something similar. I would guess they have explored the realms of darkness, of Satanic rule. I have. But, there is an answer. You can find it in anything but what is real.

Something crazy hit me the other day. It was inspired by Tozer's Pursuit of God (you can find the whole thing online here) God is not imaginary. Jesus is not fake. There is a reality in this life and it starts and ends with Jesus. As for reality, I will let Tozer explain:

What do I mean by reality? I mean that which has existence apart from any idea any mind may have of it, and which would exist if there were no mind anywhere to entertain a thought of it. That which is real has being in itself. It does not depend upon the observer for its validity.

I am aware that there are those who love to poke fun at the plain man's idea of reality. They are the idealists who spin endless proofs that nothing is real outside of the mind. They are the relativists who like to show that there are no fixed points in the universe from which we can measure anything. They smile down upon us from their lofty intellectual peaks and settle us to their own satisfaction by fastening upon us the reproachful term `absolutist.' The Christian is not put out of countenance by this show of contempt. He can smile right back at them, for he knows that there is only One who is Absolute, that is God. But he knows also that the Absolute One has made this world for man's uses, and, while there is nothing fixed or real in the last meaning of the words (the meaning as applied to God) for every purpose of human life we are permitted to act as if there were. And every man does act thus except the mentally sick. These unfortunates also have trouble with reality, but they are consistent; they insist upon living in accordance with their ideas of things. They are honest, and it is their very honesty that constitutes them a social problem.

The idealists and relativists are not mentally sick. They prove their soundness by living their lives according to the very notions of reality which they in theory repudiate and by counting upon the very fixed points which they prove are not there. They could earn a lot more respect for their notions if they were willing to live by them; but this they are careful not to do. Their ideas are brain-deep, not life- deep. Wherever life touches them they repudiate their theories and live like other men.

Until we engage in this reality, the reality of life itself, we will forever suffer in the hands of imagination. And imagination is inherantly human. Humans will fail us over and over. Humans are our dada, moms, family, friends, bosses and kids. Humans can never, ever provide a way out of suicide. The REAL can.

a simple treat

Red, Green, Blue, Yellow... all the colors are represented. I wonder if Jelly Belly is a metaphor for the diversity of life. People are different, all with a slightly distinct flavor. Sometimes when I'm just riding around or smelling around or feeling around, I look and I see everyone looks the same. But they're not. My eyes are the same. People are different because God made them different. God made us different because he is a creative, interesting person who doesn't like the assembly line and he doesn't like mass production. He likes handcrafted, handpainted, handmade people. He doesn't mind blemishes and he certainly doesn't mind difference.

I remember being struck by the diversity of life in Amsterdam where not only did the people where strange colors with pointy shoes, but where the people's birthday suits were different. So many cultures, so little space. I remember seeing dark skin and light skin living together in a small place. I remember seeing difference.

Here in Colorado homes are built practically on top of one another (you can reach out your bathroom window and touch your neighbor) and homeowners are forced to put up fences between the houses, as if to offer privacy. I'm not sure if it's to keep other people out or to keep us all in. Fences are kind of interesting in that way. I didn't see many fences in Amsterdam and I don't see many fences in Denver and I don't see many fences in the mountains.



Isn't that weird - one doesn't find fences in densely populated places and one doesn't find fences in the most rugged of places. You can't contain a city and you can't contain nature. There is no fence for this. You can't contain God.

What does a jelly belly have to do with a fence...? This. Difference, tolerance, coexistence. I just wonder why they made that "buttered popcorn" flavor - it's terrible.

Excerpt from a letter...

Here is an excerpt from the final letter we sent to all of those people who supported us over the past few years in Amsterdam...

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...
It was very difficult for us to leave Amsterdam, a city and culture we grew to love so much. Even more difficult were the emotions associated with saying ‘goodbye’ to our friends. The people we befriended from Zolder50, ultimate Frisbee, and the Cleft (the YWAM ministry Jayla served with in the Red Light District) provided us with a most amazing and loving community, a community deserving of those outlined in the second chapter of the book of Acts. The purpose, involvement and passion we shared with Zolder50 is something we will not easily find again. We sincerely hope that distance will not keep our hearts separated from those whom we deeply admire as friends.

We returned to the States on September 1 with over 600 pounds of luggage, including Leo, our beautiful Chesapeake Bay retriever. You should have seen us trying to navigate the airport! Before leaving we were honored with several special events at which our friends blessed us, prayed over us, celebrated with us and expressed many encouraging thoughts and words. It was a unique time. We have needed it in the weeks that have followed when we have doubted ourselves, doubted our purpose and doubted our path. We spent our first month visiting friends and family, showing Asher off to all those who had yet to meet him and getting used to living in “other people’s space”, which we are still doing after two months. Since being back we have visited Chicago, Washington D.C., St. Augustine, Charlotte, Columbus, Indianapolis, Des Moines, Fort Collins and now Denver. Asher has proved that he is a worthy and stout traveling companion. We have lived here in Colorado since Oct. 4, staying with Jayla’s mom, step dad and brother. Thankfully, Leo has made great friends with his cousin, Doc, a splendid little blue heeler mix.

Bret is looking for jobs and praying for direction. He recently went on a 3-day solo camping retreat to the southern Colorado Mountains further seeking our course and inspiration. After discovering the answers to all the world’s problems, he returned with a renewed spirit and a renewed sense of mission – Jesus. He was clearly reminded of our vision for our marriage – follow Jesus and raise a healthy and strong family. In faith, we will continue living here just north of Denver until we find our path. Then we will commit to looking for our own home and own space.

As for culture shock, it has been difficult to identify thus far. Of course, there are a million little differences between the Netherlands and the States and we find ourselves constantly comparing them – pros and cons, things we miss (riding bikes everywhere and did we mention the cheese?!), things we dislike here (chain restaurants, superstores, big cars), things to adjust to and figure out. Mostly, we miss our life there – our friends, our church, our apartment, the way we would spend our days riding along beautiful canals on creaky bicycles with our friends musing over the days happenings. Life seemed slower there.

We are excited about the mountains, the fantastic sunsets and the weather, as the warm Colorado sunshine is a welcome treat after a mostly cool Dutch summer. Living here during the autumn season is also brilliant. The harvest traditions of everything pumpkin, apple cider, Halloween… these are things we missed while living in Holland. Also the beauty of the leaves turning – it is a glorious metaphor for change and renewal. It seems something has to die in order for new life to begin again. We have been completely blessed by the hospitality of our families, making adjustments to accommodate Asher, Leo and us. Last week Bret picked up our shipment, all 52 boxes, and moved it to Jayla’s sisters garage. Thanks to Tara and Kerry.

We are excited about the possibilities of what lies ahead, trying to remain patient and hoping it doesn’t take too long. If we haven’t seen you yet, we hope to soon! Please know how much we appreciate you and love you. You gave generously on our behalf so we could be part of an awesome church in a little attic in the heart of Amsterdam!

Missing the Experience, Experience the Missing

As it turns out, I miss Amsterdam tremendously. I didn't at first. I liked being back in the States. I liked the open spaces and the green grass and the sunny sky. Now though, I find myself missing Amsterdam more and more.

I was looking at my friend Eric's blog with a picture of the Damrak and reading stories about telling stories and missing the stories of Amsterdam. I miss the Damrak and business of the city. I miss the unique architecture and the diversity of the people. I miss strolling the streets window shopping and cruising along the canals on my cheap bike musing over the days happenings. I miss my friends.

It's strange to be somewhere you love so much and miss somewhere else so much. The mountains and weather and laid back atmosphere and did I mention the sun...? These things are amazing in Colorado. Amsterdam is different. I don't know if it's the vibe or if it's the rain or the cafes or the spirtual climate. It's different and I like different. If only Amsterdam was surrounded by mountains...