Something has really hit me hard these past couple days culminating in a very slow start to my day today. Jayla is leaving for Amsterdam tomorrow. For one thing, I'm realizing how much I'm going to miss her. For the second, I'm realizing how much I wish I was going with her. So many of our memories there are wrapped up in the shared experience of being there together. So, it's weird to think of her experiencing all these memories without me. I think that side of it is hitting her as well.
The other part is me realizing how much I miss my/our life there. I mean, I've realized it before, but now I'm really struggling with it big time. I guess, it's this. I just feel like life here is so unimportant. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and my child and the mountains and my friends here. But it still feels like I'm going through the motions of life, rather really living it to the full. Do you know what I mean...? I really like my job a lot, really I do. I have the chance to be part of a huge change in education on the macro level (Bill Gates Foundation looking at our school as an example school) and on the micro level, I may affect a high school kid for the rest of his life. That's cool stuff. It still feels like I'm going through the motions.
Even this morning as I lay in bed talking with Jayla about the dreary day, with the clouds and rain, I somehow transported back to Amsterdam where I loved meeting Todd and Lee and Theo and Brian and Sam and whoever for a gezellig cup of koffie at the local cafe. What does it feel like here...? Going through the motions. There is something missing in life here, at least for me.
Again, I'm not complaining about being unlucky or miserable here, as we are so blessed to have what we have, where we have it, but it's still just going through the motions. I can't put my finger on it. Is the grass greener on the other side...? Have I failed to get involved in something powerful and meaningful here...? Have I missed my calling...? I don't know the answer. I do know I miss our mission and our friends and our lives in Amsterdam. I miss the culture and the coffee and Hap Hmmm. I miss my bike and the even the rain. I hate the rain too. I miss the city and the people and the buildings. I hate the concrete jungle too. It's weird.
Ultimately, it still feels like going through the motions.
4 comments:
We wish you could be here, too, in the coming week. Don't worry, though. There's nothing too magical about Amsterdam. It's true the city is unique, and it's true that God is doing some special things in the city... But we also find ourselves going through the motions here sometimes. And life in America can look really appealing at times, from this side of the pond (that whole "grass is greener on the other side" thing)...
Your struggles strike me as struggles of the human condition, just as much as (if not more than) struggles with culture shock or geographic location. And that's a good thing. We can all relate.
Come back
Thanks for the thoughts Eric. I'm thinking I need to go to some counseling for reverse culture shock and for being a human I guess. I suppose the hardest part is just not going through it all with my brothers and friends. As much as I had my hard times there with the church and with you even, I miss you guys and all you do. No matter the color of grass, your friends are a huge piece of the landscape!
I hear you. Loud and clear. I'll never be the "normal" I was before.
That's just the way it is.
Re-entry after such an event is a huge trauma. For me it's been nearly as hard as the death of my mom.
That happened almost ten years ago (Oct. 30), and I'm still recovering from that.
So that wasn't very encouraging, but I'm just being honest.
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